This article is based on the Reimagining Love podcast episode “Talking about the Future with Your Partner: Navigating a Pace-Discrepancy.” To listen to this episode, click here.
Welcome back to our conversation about Pace Discrepancies. We’re picking up right where we left off last time, with Part IV.
Part IV: What to do
Suggestions for the FPP (Faster-Paced Partner)
I want to offer 4 suggestions to you, Faster-Paced Partner.
1. Use we language: Rather than asking, “Why won’t you talk about the future with me?”I want you to ask your partner, “How can we navigate this Pace Discrepancy?”
2. Avoid leveling an ultimatum: Your Slower-Paced Partner will be easily scared off by ultimatums or statements like “I have xyz goals for the next ten years, and are you with me or not.” So maybe you could offer some gentler (but still firm) “I” statements? Like “I care a lot about you, and I’m the kind of person who likes to think big picture / It makes me excited to imagine where things could go with us.” Remember that a boundary and an ultimatum are different. It’s not an ultimatum to say for example, “I am not comfortable with penetrative sex until and unless we are exclusive.” That is you expressing a boundary. Boundaries are not punishment or control moves. They are clarifications offered in the service of the relationship.
3. Engage the process / Release the outcome: A conversation about the future is, by definition, an imaginative conversation, one in which you are looking together toward an open expanse of possibilities. What might help you approach these conversations in a way that maximizes your curiosity and minimizes your anxiety? Surely, a partner who is willing to be self-reflective and engaged. But knowing that you can only control your side of the street, what do you want to be able to remember as you invite your partner into a conversation about the future:
- Perhaps it is, “I want to remember that my partner has constraints that pre-date me and that are not about me.”
- Perhaps it is, “I can engage in the process without knowing the outcome.”
- Perhaps it is, “My worth is not contingent on how this conversation goes.”
4. Honor Your Core Wound Activation: Yes, you are upset that your partner will not talk about the future with you or is hesitating around the next commitment milestone. Anyone would feel insecure and frustrated in that situation. AND, I want to invite you to do a little bit of what I call ghostbusting. In other words, can you also get curious about what wound from your past is getting activated?
- “I don’t feel chosen”– Did you have a parent whose attention seemed to be on everything and everyone else but you? If so, your partner’s hesitation may feel especially hurtful.
- “If you don’t commit, I will be abandoned.”– If you had a parent who was emotionally or physically unavailable to you, you are understandably sensitive about being abandoned.
- “I am not worthy.”– If you have struggled with feelings of worthiness, your partner’s reluctance can feel like a reflection of your inadequacy, perhaps triggering feelings of shame.
Suggestions for the SPP (Slower-Paced Partner)
Now, here are 5 suggestions for you, the Slower-Paced Partner
1. Ask for a break when you need one: It is easier to enter a difficult conversation when you can know and trust that you can take breaks as needed. Pay attention to your body. If/when you begin to feel tightness in your chest, a flush in your cheeks, a racing in your heart, ask for a pause. Perhaps it is just a brief pause to get some water or take a shower. Emotions are bodily experiences and need to be honored as such. Resist the pull of urgency. Go slow. Engage. Pause. Regulate. Engage.
2. Pay attention to your internal experience: It can be tempting to focus on what your partner is doing or not doing. Rather than criticizing your partner for pressuring you or needing answers that you cannot give, focus on what’s happening inside of you. See if you can say any or all of it out loud:
- Perhaps it is, “It’s hard for me to see you upset because your happiness matters to me.”
- Perhaps it is, “I don’t like to feel like I am disappointing you.”
- Perhaps it is, “I want to feel like we are on the same team.”
3. Engage the process / Release the outcome: A conversation about the future is, by definition, an imaginative conversation, one in which you are looking together toward an open expanse of possibilities. Knowing that you can only control your side of the street, what do you want to be able to remember as you stretch yourself to talk a bit about the future with your partner:
- Perhaps it is, “My partner wants to talk about the future with me, not to pressure or control me but because my partner loves me.”
- Perhaps it is, “I can feel steady even as I enter this new kind of conversation.”
- Perhaps it is, “I can be both nervous and open-hearted.”
- Perhaps it is, “I can engage in the process without knowing the outcome.”
- Perhaps it is, “My worth is not contingent on how this conversation goes.”
4. Honor *your* core wound activation: Can you also do a little ghostbusting? Yes, you feel pressured by your partner and confused about what you want, but what else might be getting stirred up, perhaps that began long before you met this partner:
- “I am not enough”– Did you have a highly critical parent and you never felt like you earned their favor? It is then exquisitely painful to feel like you are letting your partner down.
- “I am smothered”– Did you have an intrusive parent who wanted and needed an inordinate and inappropriate amount of closeness with you? If so, it might be really hard to trust your partner’s desire to connect more deeply with you.
5. Practice compassion: Practice compassion for yourself for what talking about the future stirs up inside of you. You do not have to be perfect to be lovable. You get to continue to grow and achieve and evolve in this relationship. You clearly have something wonderful to offer this partner of yours because this partner of yours is advocating for a future with you!
Suggestions for you as a Couple
In terms of how to proceed as a team, I want to share three specific practices that might help you.
1. Couples therapy: You know I am a huge fan of couples therapy. A Pace Discrepancy is a wonderful presenting problem to bring to a couples therapist. Sometimes couples will put a moratorium on talking about the future outside of couples therapy, especially if the couple has experienced a series of conversations on their own that haven’t gone well and they are feeling discouraged and ragged. Limiting these conversations to a therapist’s office:
- Can be helpful for the Slower-Paced Partner because they know that emotionally-challenging conversations about the status of the relationship will happen in the presence of a supportive third party. Can help them feel less defensive and guarded throughout the week.
- Can be helpful for the Faster-Paced Partner too because now they know they don’t have to be strategizing when and how to raise the issue at home. They know they can talk about it in couples therapy, again in the presence of a supportive third party.
2. Weekly check in: You may find it helpful in addition to, or instead of, couples therapy to have a weekly check in meeting. This is a great habit that can help the Slower-Paced Partner begin to train that relationship talk muscle in a low risk kind of way. And it can help the Faster-Paced Partner feel like even as they are feeling frustrated or uncertain about whether/when/how they will reach the next commitment milestone, they have a partner who is invested and engaged. You can structure a weekly meeting however you want. It can be as simple as a 10 minute meeting. Here’s one model:
- Partner A shares a personal victory.
- Partner B shares a personal victory.
- Partner A shares a personal challenge.
- Partner B shares a personal challenge.
- Partner A shares an affirmation/validation/hot damn about their partner.
- Partner B shares an affirmation/validation/hot damn about their partner.
- Partner A shares a relational growing edge / concern paired with a thought about next steps.
- Partner B shares a relational growing edge / concern paired with a thought about next steps.
- Partner A shares an intention for the coming week.
- Partner B shares an intention for the coming week.
3. Relationship Status Updates: You may find it helpful to agree to regular check-ins that are specific to your Pace Discrepancy. Maybe that’s monthly or quarterly. In these conversations you take the relational temperature:
- What change or evolution has either of us noticed since the last time we discussed?
- Does this change bring us into deeper alignment or more distance?
Setting a relationship status update honors the concern of the Faster-Paced Partner and gives the Slower-Paced Partner some breathing room. When we are unsure whether and when our concern will be tended to, any given interaction can feel like it’s a commentary on the status of the entire relationship. The stakes become too high. Knowing that both partners are keeping an eye on this challenge can reduce hypervigilance such that the Faster-Paced Partner is less likely to feel like a fool and the Slower-Paced Partner is less likely to feel like a disappointment.
Conclusion
Thank you for joining me today. I hope this conversation has given you a new perspective on how to talk about the future with a partner and how to navigate a Pace Discrepancy. Don’t forget to download the worksheet at dralexandrasolomon.com/future.
